This is the second in a series of four blogs addressing the difficulty of finding motivation, making changes, and sticking with your plan even when it gets difficult. In my last blog I discussed the importance of imagining if you said “yes” to any change or challenge that you’re facing. Today’s blog is on a subject that, at first, might be a little more difficult to understand.
Figure out what negative consequences will come from your positive decision.
If you’re like most people, this directive is confusing and potentially difficult to figure out at first. Even if that is the case, however, I believe it is essential for most of us to consider.
So what does this mean? Let’s start with an example. Have you ever met a person who desperately wanted to make a change? Let’s say, in this example, that this change she wants to make is to lean out. This person knows that she wants to lean out, and she knows that she should lean out because it will be good for her health, and she even knows how to lean out. But she never does it. It just… Never happens.
Who are you picturing when I describe this behavior? Maybe it’s a parent, or a friend, or a coworker. Maybe it’s a spouse. Maybe it’s yourself.
Why do we do this? Why do we self-sabotage when we know something is good for us? When we know it is healthy? When we know it is truly and honestly and desperately what we want?
When I encounter an individual like this - a friend, a client, or even myself - I like to ask, “what are the bad things that will happen if you make this good change?” I’m usually received with a blank stare, or a “What do you mean? Nothing bad will happen - this is a good thing.” And I understand those responses. But I don’t agree with them. Imagine if, in order to make this change, you had to lose an important part of your identity.
Let’s go back to the example of the person trying to lean out. What if a major part of this person’s identity is being the “fun” girl? She’s the friend who’s always down to meet up for a drink when someone is having a bad day. She’s the coworker who will bring in doughnuts the morning of the big presentation. She’s the wife who will do pizza and beer with her spouse every time the Colts play. The reality is, our individual in question might have to lose, or at the least change, this huge, positive, and enjoyable part of her identity in order to achieve her goals.
Let’s consider another negative consequence. What if, in order to make a positive change, you had to become a different parent? What if your goal is to start practicing self-care, and this means that your children cannot always be your top priority in each and every moment? Perhaps you're the dad who needs to start saying “no” more often so that you aren’t completely stressed out. Perhaps you can’t let them sign up for a third club sport, because you spend all day driving them around and you have no time to meal prep or exercise or relax. Perhaps you can’t be the father who will cook a separate dinner for his kids because they’re picky eaters.
Whatever your positive decision is, I promise you it will have unintended negative consequences. The beauty of understanding this, however, is that simply acknowledging this truth can often be all we need in order to accept it. Acknowledging that our benefit will come at a cost is the key to saying goodbye to who we were, in order to fit who we are, and to pursue who we are becoming.